I thought I would share a little bit about me since I will soon turn 57. Even though I used to looked at age as just a number, after a while you start to realize that there is more to it. When you are 21 you know that you have a lot of life and experiences ahead of you. But at 57, you start to realize with the help of your aching body that time is starting to catch up. At 21 I didn’t have any serious future plans, I just went with the flow. But as I turn 57, I reflect back to when I was young and wished that I did plan better for my future.
When I was in high school I had no interest in dating or school whatsoever. I struggled with the academics part of school but went to please my family. I only had a couple of friends at first until a boy who was very insistent on dating me finally got his wish. He had quite a few friends who I then became friends with. Now back then, this boy was in the category of being called a burnout. He was a smoker, worked on cars, and drank socially. I really didn’t know why I continued to date him except that I guess I enjoyed the attention.
I dated my boyfriend about 6 months before my parents decided to move from my hometown. Little did they know that their little girl was now going to go through another traumatic experience that will affect her life drastically. On one of our dates we went to one of his friends house. This friend also dated my best friend which was pretty cool. But, that night, my boyfriend decided to push his advances a little to far. Me, a young teenager just wanting to feel loved was raped. I fell into that life that this must be what love from a man was all about. I never told my parents and I assumed that this is the way a woman was suppose to please her man.
My relationship with him lasted for years until I found him cheating on me. That was the end of that. No way was I putting up with that crap. By this time I was about 20 and my whole immediate family was in Florida and I thought I was all alone. I worked hard in a local printing and binding company for ten years and loved it. But I also jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend which was not a good thing. I carried along emotional and mental stress with each one not really understanding why I was so sad and confused all the time.
I met a man who started working at the company I worked for and we hit it off and were friends for a year before we began to date. We enjoyed each others company so much that we eventually moved in together. After about 7 years together he could tell that I really missed my family and suggested that we do a trial move to Florida. I was all for it and couldn’t wait. We put our notices in at our jobs and then headed to Florida.
My boyfriend and I did get moved completely after a year here when we decided to stay. It was great to be around my mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law, and nieces again. Now, because I was young and in love with my hometown and high school boyfriend when my family moved away, I would have never thought that I would miss my family as much as I did. That’s where age and growth comes in. As we age we learn more about ourselves. We learn more about life in general and who really loves us.
In Florida my boyfriend and I worked retail and bought our own place after about a year. I was one who was never really interested in getting married but after being with him for 10 years I said why not. The two of us had some more good years but also some bad years. Working retail and dealing with different people led me to have two nervous breakdowns. I then found out that I struggled with severe Depression, PTSD, Anxiety, and Borderline Personality Disorder. Much of what was the result of my past. I spent time in the hospital, had therapy, and didn’t work for a couple of years.
I decided to take some college classes to hopefully give me something to move forward to and got a degree in Elementary Education. But after 8 years of marriage and my illnesses and mood not improving much, my husband and I divorced. Again, I was on my own and went onto another boyfriend for a short time. I told him that I just wanted to be friends and he turned out to be abusive anyway. So I turned to another man at the new hospital job that I had to get. I was now studying to get my bachelors degree in psychology and was learning even more about myself.
I moved in with this man because he was kind enough to help me out. I felt like a failure with everything though. Even the job at the hospital only lasted 6 months because I hurt myself and they let me go. My relationship with this last man was fun and less emotional but after 7 years he wanted someone different. I did what I could to help him out with his condo and taking care of him like a wife and mother but it wasn’t enough. What could I do now but move in with family.
Thankfully my sister had room for me and my cat who I adopted now 10 years ago. I had no job. My anxiety gives me trouble a lot and I deal with a lot of pain. My family though has had no problem with helping me out the best that they can. I will now always believe that family comes first. There is no replacing the special bonds that you might have with certain members of your family. Of course you may not always agree with some things but the unconditional love is always there.
So, what have I learned over my 57 years of life? I learned that I was pretty stupid when I was young. I learned what to do in order to cope with my mental illnesses. I learned a lot about people and who they can and can’t be. I learned a lot of life skills. And I learned that I don’t need a man to be happy. Happiness is best found within myself and my interests. Everything that can be happy outside of myself is just a bonus. So yes, I am single and have no desire to be in a relationship right now. I hope to keep writing and get some books published. I do have a job at the moment in a department store setting it up for a grand re-opening. But only time will tell if the job continues because I was hired as a temporary.
I love spending time with my family and my cat. And I love doing things out in nature. I have always had a passion for assisting mentally or educationally challenged people, and helping senior citizens. Throughout my life I have had many passions and career thoughts like those above, but I learned that because of my mental health struggles they challenge me at times. It’s not always easy emotionally for me to do the things that I dream about. Again, this is were age and understanding comes in. With age, we learn to know our restrictions and limits, whether physically or mentally.
So, to the young, make a plan for your future. It’s never to early to start. And learn about yourself, what you like and don’t like. And don’t feel like you have to please everyone because it’s impossible, but be nice. For the aged, don’t forget to enjoy the little things in life. There is still a lot to learn and enjoy. We are never to old to learn new things. Smile, be nice and take the time to teach someone something. With my writing’s I hope that people will get some enjoyment and knowledge from them. Whether it be from my fiction or my non-fiction, I enjoy doing it and I can only hope that you enjoy reading it. Until next time, take care and God bless.