I have many many years of experience and an education in psychology that allows me to share this post. The picture above is a photo of me on my birthday (today). I have to say that I don’t look too bad for just turning 56. Much of it I believe is being blessed with good genes. But I do try to take good care of my skin the best that I can.
As A Child
As a child, I only remember things that made some kind of impact on me. Some people say that they remember a lot of their childhood, but it’s only bits and pieces for me. I have some really good memories from then, but a really bad one as well. I won’t go into detail, but the bad memory was the starting point to how I interpreted love from the male species.
Don’t get me wrong, I had many happy memories as well with my best friend and neighbor Carolyn. We spent a lot of time together playing. I also went camping every summer with my family and got to see new places. I spent many times in the garage with my dad learning different things. And fun times out shopping with my sister.
But many of the details of my childhood have dissipated. Which I guess is okay, as long as I don’t lose all of it.
As A Teenager/Young Adult
Becoming a teenager was very difficult for me. I hated high school, I only had a few friends, and sex was forced onto me. So there again, the so-called love from a male and how I interpret it. Because that is how I thought love was supposed to be from the male species, I stayed with him for years.
My immediate family had moved to another state and I stayed in my hometown. I moved in with my cousin for awhile before I got a good-paying job and moved out. I was able to rent a studio apartment, and my high school boyfriend moved in with me. I was the one who paid for everything because my boyfriend was lazy.
By then my emotional and mental stability was fractured. I continued to grow with confusion, hatred, and low self-esteem. I felt alone and torn between what was right and wrong. The the great job that I had, helped me to move into a nicer place. Again, the boyfriend followed me until I caught him cheating.
Saying goodbye to him, made me bounce in and out of other relationships for years. I acted as if I was in control but I felt emotionally destructive. I turned to self-harm on many occasions and even threatened suicide. I didn’t know back then that there was help for me. I just thought that was how my life was going to be.
As An Adult
It wasn’t until I was married to a wonderful man, who helped me get help for my roller coaster of emotions. We found out that the traumas that I experienced growing up is the reason why I have struggled for so long emotionally. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Severe depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Anxiety. They even said maybe some Bipolar 1 Disorder.
All I know is that It took years and years of therapies and a psychology degree to get to where I am today. I may be divorced and single now, but at 56 I have a better understanding of who I was and who I am now. Staying single and being who I want to be is where I’m at right now. Taking care of my immediate family is important to me right now too. Maybe a person like me lives life better without a spouse… It’s hard to say.
Conclusion
I’m not going to say that I don’t have emotional ups and downs sometimes because I do. But with my experiences and education, I am able to work through those times. It takes hard work and determination to get through the down times. And practice and understanding of emotional regulation for all the other times.
If you struggle with a mental illness, there is help for you. There are people and places that can help and educate you. I know that there are times when you feel that there is no hope, but there is. Don’t give up! Seek help! It is out there.
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